WHO IS THE ULTIMATE SWORD AND SORCERY BADASS: KANE OR CONAN?4.5 to 5.0 stars. Today, I thought I would provide a public service by definitively answering the above question, which has been confounding fantasy fan boys for decades.Now before we (and by we I mean myself and the other voices in my head) answer this question, we want to comment on all of the other “theories” floating around regarding this question developed by so called “experts” in the genre. These other theories are, in a word, guff, poppycock and drivel. They do nothing more than muddy the waters and cause angry confrontation from fan boys who have had too much Mountain Dew and Crunch and Munch.
Well enough of that “subjective” crap, we have developed an actual MATHEMATICAL PROOF that answers this question once and for all.**WARNING: The proof used in this review was developed in cooperation with psychotic gnomes, hopped up on Mescaline, No Doz and Thunderbird and tested only in a controlled environment deep within the creamy nougat center of a King Size Three Musketeers. Solving the proof below while either sober or wearing clothing made from any form of “natural” fiber may cause incontinence (with or without anal bleeding), excessive hair growth and/or night terrors.
Please consult an unemployed physician** before reading the rest if this review and advise them whether you have: (1) purchased and watched more than once the entire first season of Alf- (2) yelled at a child under 7 for grabbing the last Beanie Baby from the display rack when you were reaching for it- or (3) fallen in and out of love during the course of a single trip to the post office.** We are trying to do our part to help the economy by getting Doctors off the street.Here is an explanation of this proof so you can follow along at home as well as verifying the accuracy of the steps taken.STEP 1We start off by assigning values for the following:g(1) + f(1) + 1(y -17) to stand for Kanes supreme coolness and overall badassedness quotienth(1) + f(1) + 2 (x + 4) to stand for Conans square-jawed manliness and penchant for furSTEP 2A.
Next we add to the Kane equation the co-efficient of Kanes mysterious, well developed, Lovecraftian world of ancient mad gods, powerful alien conquests and epochs of lost technology which is represented mathematically as follows:k(t) + 1+Vt+Et2+Ft3(sin8)+t4(cosX)B. We then include on Conan’s side the square root of Conans Hyborian Age, add in the supreme awesomeness of the individual stories “The People of the Black Pool” and “The Tower of the Elephant” then divide by Pi (to account for Robert Howards blatant racism) which is expressed as follows:c(t) + hy(5) + (P(2)b+Te(7)) + 4y/PiSTEP 3We then add to Kane an amount equal to his immortal undyingness, which provides him with “wicked smarts” and “two oodles” of knowledge represented as:7x + 15g - (y + 3n)plus Kane’s “Wolverine” like healing ability shown as:9xt/4 +1(8-5y) + 17and add his seriously outstanding sorcerer abilities (plus another 15 since he rarely uses them as they are not necessary do to his “the bombitude” in other areas):Oh + Yeah+15STEP 4Finally, we add +75 to Conan for the phrase By Crom and +125 for Conan’s ability to answer the question “What is Best in Life?”ANSWER:Kane = g(1) + f(1) + 1(y -17) + k(t) + 1+Vt+Et2+Ft3(sin8)+t4(cosX) + 7x + 15g - (y + 3n) +9xt/4 +1(8-5y) + 17 + Oh + Yeah +15Kane = 220,500 “theMan” unitsConan = h(1) + f(1) + 2 (x + 4) + c(t) + hy(5) + (P(2)b+Te(7)) + 4y/Pi +75 +125Conan = 117,400 “theMan” units and a remainder of 42 “kickasses”RESULTAs you can clearly see, Kane has been PROVEN to have almost TWICE the BADASSEDNESS of Conan, which can be expressed using the following equation:Conan = Kane’s bitchADDITIONAL THOUGHTS AND CLARIFICATIONSThe developers of the above proof (other then the psychotic gnomes) would like to stress in the strongest possible terms that we are HUGE fans of Conan (as evidenced by our many 5 star reviews of his awesome adventures) and that his being Kane’s bitch does not diminish his overall coolness.
For comparison sake, the creators of this proof when calculating their own “badassedness” come up with a total of less than a single “theMan” unit which caused serious negative image outlook and bouts of weeping.That said, we will now take questions from the audience if there is anyone there. If addressing a question to a specific “voice” in my head, please call him/her by name and/or planet of origin.